You Want Pain Part One
by jamiedianne
Summary: This is a JakePeyton fanfic which begins with Jake's return in episode 210, Don't Take Me For Granted. It's a healthy mix of sweetnesscutenessfun and drama. Warning, the very ending of the fic will be a cliffhanger, but Part Two is in the works.
1. Chapter 1

This is a fic based on Jake and Peyton of _One Tree Hill_ (which I do not own). The title comes from the lyrics of Jimmy Eat World's _Just Tonight…_(which, again, I do not own). I also use the lyrics from this song to introduce each section. I have quoted a line from Samuel Beckett's play _Waiting For Godot _(nope – I don't own that one either)because you will find that it will represent the story very well as a whole.

**You Want Pain**

**Part One**

**_Samuel Beckett once wrote, "The tears of the world are a constant quantity. For each one who begins to weep somewhere else another stops."_**

_all at once the music stopped  
the feeling went away  
an ugly picture, me and you  
but nothing I can change_

She had no idea what she was doing there, but there she was. Just standing. Windswept platinum-blonde ringlets flying wildly about her head. Looking down into the compelling darkness with her scarlet, tear-stained face. The water was hypnotic. She had a million thoughts racing through her head, but somehow she couldn't think at all. Pulling at her gut - her very soul - was something she couldn't understand. Her life had been nothing but one disappointment after another – one heartache after another. Where did it go so wrong? How could it ever be right again? She only wanted something to make it matter.

* * *

_I was scared but once I thought about, I let it go_

She was terrified. Her life contained gaping holes, and she craved for anything that might possibly fill them.

He had no idea why he was there, but there he was. Walking down a darkened street. He was pulled by some unknown force back to this place where so much had happened. He was scared of what he was being led to, but he kept following. Why was he walking down this alley? He'd never been there before, but something about it just felt right. He noticed a car pull up behind one of the buildings. It looked like…but no, it couldn't be.

She was so upset that it took every ounce of strength in her to get out of her car. Her legs were trembling so that she had to lean against the fender for support. The darkness of the alley was chilling, yet she suddenly felt a warm energy swelling up inside – something she didn't understand. She was knocked out of her thoughts when she heard someone call out to her.

"Looking for me?"

* * *

_never again  
just tonight?  
ok_

Her heart dropped to her knees at his sight. Rick. _Why the hell am I doing this? What's wrong with me?_ She nervously started darting her eyes in every direction.

"High school girls. Relax."

She forced a fake smile. Pushed her hands into her pockets.

"Is this what you're after?"

She again nervously searched the space around her. She knew she shouldn't be there, but she couldn't take herself away. _Just this one time. Just tonight. This will just make it all go away_. She quickly reached for the bag, but Rick pulled it away.

"Got some cash for me?"

He kept walking through the shadows toward that familiar figure. What the hell was she doing in this place? And who the hell was she talking to? He noticed her defeated posture. She used to be so strong. Now she looked so fragile. He saw her darting eyes. Her fidgeting hands. Her forced smile that she wore whenever she was in pain. His heart both swelled and sank at the sight. Yet he kept moving silently forward.

* * *

_we'll never be the same  
never feel this way again  
I'd give you anything but you want pain_

She began to reach for her money when some movement from the shadows caught her eye. Jerking her head up, she saw him. Jake. Walking out of the night to save her. The sight of him filled her heart with a sense of peace that she hadn't felt for months.

"Jake."

He looked so different though. He was thinner, matured, and determinedly serious.

She was still just as beautiful, but it pained him to look at her. She had become so broken. Wounded. Before he could say anything, Peyton ran to him and threw herself into his arms. He smelled her sweet perfume – that familiar scent she wore everyday. She once told him that it used to be her mom's favorite. It felt so good to hold her. It felt so right. It felt so complete. But it hurt too. He could feel her violent shaking, her heavy sobs. He'd give anything to make her whole again.

She had never felt more complete than when she was in Jake's arms. She felt their power tightening around her, rubbing slowly up and down her back. He felt so strong, so sturdy. She felt him release a heavy sigh of relief against her neck, his hand gently caressing her soft locks of hair. She felt his heart pounding against her own. She reluctantly pulled away. He reluctantly _let_ her pull away. He wiped away her tears with his thumb. She frantically released a long line of questions.

"How are you? How's Jenny? Where's Jenny? Is she okay? Where have you been? Why haven't you answered my emails?"

Jake had time to answers these questions, but he had no time to wait for what he had to do. He wrapped one arm around her waist; the other cradled the side of her face. He drew Peyton in and kissed her. At first, it was incredibly intense. He hadn't seen her in so long - he could barely sleep for worrying about her. Peyton placed both hands on the sides of his face to pull him closer to her. She needed to feel close. She needed him. His lips were so intent. Then the kiss lightened into something very soft, very sweet. He pulled back so that their mouths were just barely touching, foreheads leaning against each other, eyes closed. He had to know what she really felt, but he was too afraid to ask. He could feel Peyton's warm breath on his face. He knew she felt the same way when she brought his lips to hers and kissed him back as impulsively and as passionately as he had her.

"You know what, Peyton?" Rick interrupted as he walked back to his car. "Just call me later."

Peyton and Jake unwillingly pulled apart, Jake still firmly holding her by the shoulders. He couldn't bring himself to let go of her. Peyton turned her head slightly to the direction of Rick's voice, averted her eyes to the ground, and quietly nodded. Jake felt anger burning up inside of him. It was all he could do to keep still and not attack him.

"She won't be calling. Take advantage of someone else," Jake growled.

"And what makes you so sure she won't be calling?" Rick smugly asked as he opened up his car door and began to get in.

"I'll make damn sure of it. Get out of here."

* * *

_we're all tired talk when it comes to shove_

Peyton grew frightened. She had never heard such an angry tone is his voice before. Jake knew what she had been doing. She was ashamed. She just wanted to get away. She needed to get away. She tried to turn and run, to disappear into the shadows. But Jake held firmly onto her shoulders, keeping her back. The moonlight shining on both of them began slowly exposing everything underneath.

"No. Peyton. You're not running away from this." The wind was blowing her curls all over her face. He pushed them back behind her ears. He needed to see her face. She was biting down on her lower lip, trying her hardest to keep it all in. _There's no way I'm letting her go again._

"Dammit Jake!" Hot tears began welling up again, but she forced herself to look him in the eyes. "Why not?" Her voice began cracking. "_Everything_ runs away from me! _Everyone_ runs away from me! So why shouldn't I do the same?"

"No. We're taking care of this right now," Jake gently insisted, holding her by her shoulders. He couldn't stand to see her so hurt. "Now, tell me why you were meeting that guy here."

"You know, I thought that one was pretty obvious," she bitterly whispered. She turned her face to avoid his eyes. They felt like they were piercing her own.

"Dammit Peyton. Just talk to me. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere. I'm begging you – talk to me." He desperately searched for her eyes. For her to realize that he was really there.

"I just…I don't know. I just…I guess I needed it."

"Why did you need it?" He was somewhat relieved – she was starting to open up.

"It's just that…I…I've just been so lonely lately. Everything's wrong. Everything's screwed up, and there's no one here that cares. My mom's dead, and somehow I manage to miss her more every single day. My dad's gone on his job all the time, even though he promised to be here more. Brooke's too wrapped up in all of her damn drama to notice. Lucas…he…he just hasn't been here. And there's all this shit going on at school. And you weren't here. Jake, you weren't here. I sent you so many emails, and I never heard a word. I just…I _needed something_. Anything. I..." She couldn't speak anymore. It hurt too much.

Jake sweetly kissed the top of her forehead. _I should've come sooner. _"I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I couldn't be here. But I'm here now Peyton."

"Why didn't you just let me know you and Jenny were okay?" She looked up into his eyes. The moonlight playing across her face revealed the pain in her eyes, in her heart. "I was so worried when I never heard from you."

He saw how worried she had been. _If she only knew what I was thinking. _"I got all of your emails. I wanted to write back to you so much…you have no idea."

She felt even more hurt. "Then why didn't you?"

"I…I couldn't. I'm…I'm not the kind of person to do something halfway."

She was confused. What was he trying to say? "What do you mean?"

"I could see how upset you were. I just didn't want to make it worse. What good would it have been for me to say 'I'm here for you' if I never really could be _here_? I couldn't just tell you something like that over a computer. I had to see you."

"Well, why are you here now? Where's Jenny?" Slowly, a wave of panic overcame Peyton. "Oh my God! Did Nikki find you? Does she have Jenny?"

"No, no, Peyton. Calm down. Everything's okay. I got your message - you told me that Brooke sent Nikki to Seattle, but I still kept my guard up. There's been absolutely no sign of her. Not in Savannah. Not here. My parents have been keeping an eye out for her, but there's been nothing. I figured that she probably gave up. I mean, she doesn't exactly have the strongest maternal instincts. So, I came back…for you. My mom's watching Jenny right now. She has a little cold, but otherwise, she's fine."

"So, you're really here? And you're staying? You're not going away?"

"I'm really here. I'm really staying. And I'm really not going away. Now, can we please go to some other place less creepy and talk?"


	2. Chapter 2

_a little water please  
I taste you all over my teeth_

The ride to Peyton's house was mostly a quiet one. The evening had been filled with so much emotion that they both just needed to sit back and breathe. Jake drove because Peyton was too distracted, too shaken, too exhausted. He tried to keep his eyes focused on the black pavement stretching out before them, but he kept feeling her eyes on him. He would occasionally look over to her. She would shyly grin, then either look ahead of the car or stare at the few houses along this road. She wondered who lived in those houses. What were their lives like? Were they lonely? Were they happy? Or worse, were they indifferent? She was actually beginning to feel like the person she used to be…years ago. Before her mom left…before anyone left. She again glanced over at him. He slyly glanced back at her and asked, "What?"

She just couldn't believe he was really there. He came back for her. No one had ever come back before. She gathered up the nerve to say, "In case I haven't told you, I'm really glad you're back."

"Really? I never would've figured that one out," he said in that wonderful, sarcastic manner of his. "And in case I haven't told you, I'm really glad to be back."

She smirked and turned back to the passing houses. "Yeah. Good to know."

They finally ended up at her house around 1:00 A.M. She said, "So, I guess that you probably need to get back to Jenny."

"Not really. My mom said she'd take care of her for the night. Unless you're just trying to get rid of me," he said jokingly.

"Well, I was trying to be subtle, but so much for that."

They both chuckled. Laughing. It felt good. Something that neither one of them had done for awhile.

Peyton suggested, "Well, if your mom has everything under control, do you want to come in? Maybe have some coffee? Eat some disgusting leftovers? Talk?"

"Hmm…come in – yes. Coffee – only if you make it right. Disgusting leftovers – if I can't identify them, then no. Talk – I would love to."

"Fair enough," she replied.

They pulled out six different flavors of Ben & Jerry's, two spoons, and then sat down on top of the kitchen counter. They talked about a little of everything. Jenny started walking a month ago. She had started learning a few words. Jake had been working odd jobs here and there around Savannah. Peyton told him about Nathan and Haley's marriage and about her job at TRIC.

"So that's how you met him?" he asked.

"Rick?"

Jake nodded.

"Yeah, but can we please just drop that. For tonight. I'm just really tired. We can delve into all of the sordid details another time. I'm not up for it now."

He paused for a few moments, thought. He looked at her. He saw how exhausted she was. "Okay," he sighed. "Dropped – for now. But we're going to have to go there sometime."

"We will. Just tonight…I need to rest."

"Okay." He paused to think about what he should do. "Well, thanks for the ice cream, but I guess I should go so you can get to that rest," he said as he hopped down from the counter. "I'll see you tomorrow," and he turned around to leave out the kitchen door.

"Jake – wait."

"Yeah," he said as he stood in front of the door.

"Would you stay here? Tonight? Please? I just…I'm tired of being lonely. Just stay…keep me company?"

He heard her wavering voice. He turned around to face her. The moonlight flowing in through the window illuminated the tears welling up in her eyes. He couldn't leave her – not again.

"Sure," he whispered.

As she walked out of her bathroom in her pajamas, Jake said, "You know, I seriously don't mind sleeping in a chair or on the floor."

"And I seriously don't mind you sleeping in the bed. I'd actually rather you sleep there. I just need…I really need to know that you're here."

"Okay."

They lay together on the bed in silence for awhile. Peyton rested her head on his chest, his chin propped on top of her head. It felt good – being close to someone again.

He looked around her dark room. It was so her – artsy, dramatic.

Then she timidly asked, "So, that kiss. Are we going to talk about it?"

"What about it?"

She paused to think about what she wanted to say.

"Did you mean it? I mean, I need to know exactly what you're thinking. What you're feeling."

"Of course I meant it. I had to come back here because I missed you so much. At first, we were friends, and I was totally fine with that. But after spending so much time with you…I don't know…I guess what I felt grew beyond friendship. Then that day at the pier - when I left, when I told you goodbye - it was the hardest thing I've ever done. I knew that it'd be hard, but I didn't expect for it to be like that. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I wanted more. I needed more. And I needed it to be with you. So, here I am. What are you thinking?"

Peyton quietly gathered her thoughts for a few seconds. "I'm thinking that the kiss meant something too. I mean, I love our friendship, Jake. But when I saw you with your bags that day, when I saw you leaving…I suddenly realized that I wanted it to be more too. And I've been so lonely, not wanting to open up to anyone, because I wanted it to be you. I wanted to open up to you."

A few moments of silence passed in the room before Jake asked, "So, what do you want to do? Are you ready to try this? A real relationship?"

Quiet.

"Yeah…I say that we try it. And you?" She propped herself up on her elbow so that she could see his face.

A grin came across his mouth. "I say we try it."

He raised himself up so that he could kiss her. She lowered herself down to meet him. They both breathed out sighs of relief, of happiness, of understanding. Peyton ran her hands along his arms. They were so strong, so powerful. He ran one hand along her waist and her side, the other along the side of her face. He could smell her perfume in her hair. She moved to kiss his neck, his chest, his stomach. They wanted to know everything. They wanted to know every thought, every fear, every square inch of each other.

"Jake…" she sighed out.

"Yeah…" he voiced between kisses.

She raised herself up so that she was sitting back on her feet, looking at him as he sat up. For a few immensely long seconds, they just stared at each other. They looked past each others eyes…they looked to each others souls. Peyton reached down, and lifted off her shirt. He stared at her. Almost in disbelief. She was tearing down that wall that she spent so many years building up. She looked vulnerable. _I can't do this to her_.

"Peyton, we really don't have to do this tonight. We have time."

"So you don't want to?" she asked, embarrassed.

"No, that's not it," he said as he reached out to grab hold of her hand. "It's just that it's been a really emotional night. I just want to make sure that I'm not taking advantage of the situation…of you."

"Jake. Trust me. It's okay. I really want this. Okay?"

"If you're sure."

"I'm sure. Just…please promise me that you'll never leave me."

"I promise."

She leaned in towards him, kissed him. She raised his shirt off over his head. They continued searching every inch of each other – with their hands, with their mouths, with their tongues. They continued to undress each other so that they were as close as two beings could possibly be. Together, they tore down that wall that had always been between them. They became intertwined with the blankets, with each other. They laced their fingers with the others. They felt each others hearts beating. They felt each others breath. They felt each other.


	3. Chapter 3

_never feel this way again_

A few months after Jake's return, she was driving home one afternoon, and she spotted a steeple ahead of her. Pointing up toward the glowing sky as the sun began to set. It seemed to be calling to her, pulling her in. She passed her regular turn and kept driving toward that building. She parked along the street and quietly entered St. Matthew. It was the church where her parents were married. She hadn't been there in such a long time. She thought that she'd feel awkward, afraid. But all she felt was peace, happiness. She reverently walked toward the altar at the end of the aisle. It seemed to be glowing in the light streaming through the stained-glass windows. She knelt down in front of the altar, closed her eyes, and she quietly prayed. _God, I know that it's been a long time since we've talked. Actually, I can't even remember the last time. I just…I just wanted to say thanks. Thank You for bringing him back. He's the only one who really came back. This is the first time since my mom died that I've been completely happy. So…thanks._

_

* * *

_

_you know what happens with the lights back on_  
_the less you know the more you want_

A few more weeks had passed, and she and Jake were happier than ever. It was a rainy Saturday, but the weather couldn't do anything to bring her down today. She arrived at Jake's a little before noon. She walked right in through the kitchen door and found him with Jenny in the den. They were watching "Spongebob Squarepants" – more Jake's idea than Jenny's. _I'm sorry, but a 17-year-old guy should not be so into this. But I guess that's part of the charm. _She waved her arms all over the place, and those two still hadn't noticed her presence. She decided to interject.

"So, how much money are you going to blow on me tonight? You know, this is the first three-month anniversary I've ever had."

Jake finally looked up from the television with that wide grin of his. "Then you're really gonna like my plans. Okay, first, I'm gonna come back here to pick you up. Then, we're gonna knock over a bank. Oh, by the way – would you rather be the driver or do the dirty work?"

"Hmm…well, if you're too chicken, then I guess I'll do the dirty work. What's next on the list of plans?"

"Whoa…okay, I'm not chicken! But that's beside the point." Another signature grin. "Then we're going to the most expensive restaurant in town – we're getting all of the entrées on the menu, wine, champagne, dessert, the works!"

"Hmm…so then I take it we're going to McDonald's?"

"Well, I was going to spring for Chick-fil-A, but whatever."

She laughed. He loved to make her laugh. He loved her smile, the way her eyes lit up. Then he got up off the couch, walked over to her, and wrapped his arms around her waist. "You know, I really can't wait for tonight."

"Me neither." She wrapped her arms around his neck and said, "You know, you really need to get to Karen's before you're late."

"I know, I know. Okay, I'll be back as soon as I get off of work, then we'll go out. And trust me - what I have planned - you don't wanna get all dressed up."

She gazed into his eyes. _How lucky am I? _"Can't wait."

"Okay, well, I'm out. Thanks for watching Jenny."

"No problem. Drive safely. I love you."

"Love you too." They shared a brief kiss. He turned to say goodbye to Jenny, but she was already asleep. "I guess she really doesn't like 'Spongebob'".

Peyton chuckled. "Get to work."

"Okay, okay. Gone." He gave her one last kiss, then grabbed his keys and left out the front door.

Jenny woke up about an hour after Jake left. Peyton played with her for awhile…they played with her toys, Peyton put on a little puppet show. She loved to make Jenny laugh. It had even stopped raining, so she was really happy. She used to love rainy days – they matched her personality. Well, at least they used to, but not since Jake came along. Peyton was so full of energy that Jenny couldn't keep up. She gave up and took another nap later that evening. Peyton sat down beside her to read on the sofa in the den.

Then she heard someone knocking at the front door. She went to answer it and found two young girls selling candy for a school fundraiser. With her penchant for chocolate, she agreed to buy a candy bar from each girl. After they left, she went back to the den, and Jenny was gone.

Her heart dropped. She felt a lump in her throat. She couldn't swallow. She couldn't breathe. She felt the tears beginning to stream down her face. She ran out of the room, praying to find that Jenny had just woken up and walked into another room. She searched through the entire house.

"JENNY! JENNY!"

No response.

She felt a chill cover her entire body. She turned to see the kitchen door half-open, wind pouring in. _Oh my God, no! Nikki! This can't be happening! Nikki was gone. She was out of the picture. This can't be happening! _She frantically grabbed her keys and was running out to her car when Jake pulled up.

He saw her running out of the kitchen door. She was crying. _Why is she crying? What's going on?_ He jumped out of his car, leaving the door open and the headlights on. "Peyton!" He ran to her and took the keys from her hands while she was struggling to open the car door. "Peyton! What's going on? Look at me. What's wrong?"

He firmly placed his hand on her arm, and she turned to face him. He saw her red, swollen eyes in the headlights, mascara trailing down her cheeks. She fell into his chest, sobbing. He wrapped his arms around her, rocking her gently back and forth, but he had this gnawing feeling rising in his stomach. He didn't want to think about it…it couldn't be. It couldn't be happening again.

"I can't believe this happened. Jake, I'm so sorry. I just…I went to answer the door and…she was gone."

A wave of terror slammed over him. He felt his knees growing weaker. He was trembling. _Please, no. Not again. _He finally uttered out, "Who was gone?"

She looked into his eyes – saw the terror in them. She didn't want to tell him – not again.

"Jenny. She's gone. Nikki…I don't know…she must have set this up…"

"No. She can't be." Jake let go of Peyton, shoving her back toward her car, leaving her standing alone by her car as he ran into the house.

She couldn't bear to stand anymore. _How could I let this happen?_ Everything was spinning around her, and she had no control over it. She slid down the side of her car until she was sitting in the wet driveway, head in her tear-filled hands. She heard him screaming for his daughter, but there was nothing. It was the most painful silence either of them had ever heard.

"JENNY! JENNY!"

He could barely move, or even stand. His thoughts were racing through his mind so quickly that he couldn't process any of it. All he knew was that his daughter was gone. He had to find her.

Without so much as a glance in her direction, he stormed out of the house and past Peyton to his car. He was furious, he was scared. Peyton pulled herself up and followed behind him.

He turned to see her moving toward his car.

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" he yelled at her.

"I'm…I'm going to help you find her," she sobbed.

For a few immensely long seconds, he just stared at her, his eyes narrowing. In the intermittent flashes of moonlight between passing clouds, she could see the pain written on his face – in his eyes.

"No. You're not. You lost my daughter once, and now you've done it AGAIN! You've helped enough Peyton."

She stood still in front of his car. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. "Jake…that's not fair! You know that I love Jenny! I'd do anything for her."

He released a bitter, mocking laugh. "Oh, so you REALLY love her? If you really loved her, you wouldn't have let this happen."

Peyton was stunned. His glare, his words, felt like a hundred knives plunging into her heart. _This can't be happening. It can't be. This is some horrible nightmare. I'm going to wake up, and everything will be fine._

"Damn you, Peyton," Jake muttered as he opened up his car door.

"GO TO HELL!" she yelled. _What am I saying? What am I doing?_

Her words cut him even more than the cold wind blowing against his face.

"Yeah? Well, I'll see you there."

He angrily threw her keys back in her face. He climbed into the car, slammed the door. She stood there, fixed in the glare of his headlights as he pulled back out into the street and sped off. Her eyes followed him as he drove away. She couldn't believe how cold he was. She felt like the weight of the world was piling upon her. It was more than she could handle. She dropped to her knees and cried as she buried her face into the wet grass.

_He left. He left just like everyone else. And it's all my fault._


	4. Chapter 4

_all at once the music stopped  
the feeling went away  
an ugly picture, me and you  
but nothing I can change_

She had no idea what she was doing there, but there she was. Just standing. Windswept platinum-blonde ringlets flying wildly about her head. Looking down into the compelling darkness with her scarlet, tear-stained face. The water was hypnotic. She had a million thoughts racing through her head, but somehow she couldn't think at all. Pulling at her gut - her very soul - was something she couldn't understand. Her life had been nothing but one disappointment after another – one heartache after another. Where did it go so wrong? How could it ever be right again? She only wanted something to make it matter.

Jake had driven all over town. He drove to any place that she might possibly have taken Jenny. He decided to drive to the next town. Nikki's parents lived there. They might have known something. He was terrified. He had lost his daughter, he had lost Peyton. _Why did I do that to her? I'm a fucking idiot! I tore her apart. I love her, and I tore her apart. She doesn't deserve that - I know that she loves Jenny. I just…I wish that I could just take it all back. There has to be something I can do to fix it – to fix all of it._ The more he drove, the more he thought, and the angrier he became. The more frightened he became. He was gripping the steering wheel so tightly that his hands had grown numb. As he was driving up to the bridge to leave town, he noticed a car pulled off to the side. Peyton's car. Door open, music blaring, headlights turned on. He saw her standing by the railing. She looked like she was in a trance – just staring down into the water. _What is she doing?_

She pulled herself up so that she was standing on the wet railing, balancing herself against the rough winds. It had started raining again, but it didn't wash anything away. She wanted it to wash the entire day away. _He left. He left just like everyone else. And it's all my fault. _That's the way her whole life had been. The highs just made the lows so much lower. She couldn't bear to try again…try to go back and make it through that nightmare. _There's nothing I can change._

He pulled his car off to the side, just behind Peyton's. His heart was pounding, his mind was racing. _No, she's not doing this. She wouldn't do it. _He jumped out of his car as quickly as he could and started running toward that broken figure ahead of him.

"PEYTON!"

She didn't hear him. She couldn't hear anything anymore. She couldn't feel anything anymore. It was all numb. She closed her eyes, swallowed, and let herself fall.

_To be continued…_


End file.
